No One Talks About the Grief That Surrounds the Death of a Relationship.
No one talks about the grief that is involved when a friendship ends. Or any relationship, for that matter. Yet, I can guarantee each one of us has experienced this. If it wasn’t a friendship, it may have been a romantic or familial relationship that ended abruptly. You may have been left without answers; maybe you were ghosted. You then probably dissected all the possible reasons as to why this person vanished and how you could have changed the outcome. Or maybe, you feel you weren’t good enough…that there was something wrong with you or if ONLY you acted differently that one night or didn't say that ONE comment. Because, by blaming ourselves, we gain (a false sense) of control. The truth is, you will probably never find out, because sometimes the other person doesn’t know exactly why- they just reacted to a feeling they had without thinking it through…as many people do. Regardless, there are endless possibilities as to why this person left the relationship. In most cases, it had more to do with them than it had to do with you.
When someone does not have the ability to communicate to another person as to why they no longer want to be a part of a relationship, it gives great intel about them. When one person ghosts another, it typically means that that individual lacks the ability (and confidence) to be able to communicate how they feel and they fear the consequences of another’s emotional response. They are likely what us therapists classify as “avoidant." Somewhere in life they learned that others’ emotions are to be feared, or that their emotions were not valid or were met with anger, and therefore they learned to literally jump ship and avoid the difficult emotional experiences at all costs. Unfortunately, relationships of any kind are difficult at times; there are many variables. However, it takes emotional maturity to recognize this.
Someone with emotional maturity who is able to have an honest and open conversation takes the opportunity to sort through disagreements or changes in feelings with the other person; they allow that person to hear them and to be heard. The outcome may be the same, but neither person is left without answers. As I often say in session, friends and/or romantic partners are not always meant to stay for life. Sometimes they fit a certain chapter of our life, or we fit theirs and then we outgrow each other. And that is all okay. If you have experienced a “ghosting,” please remind yourself of all the work you are doing and that being in any form of a relationship with someone who is avoidant and can’t have the hard conversations probably isn’t a good fit for you either. Life is hard and we need to know that our people will stand with us, unconditionally, as we will stand by them.
This doesn’t mean that after all the understanding of why a relationship evaporated, that the loss isn’t felt. By definition, grief is the anguish experienced after a significant loss. It does not have to include physical death. However, when it does not take the traditional path of what we have known as grief, it is what’s known as disenfranchised grief. In this form, we don't necessarily acknowledge that deep loss that is felt. It’s even more confusing because we know this person is continuing on with their life, except we are no longer a part of it and we don’t know why.
Relationships of any kind are nostalgic. They are metaphorical for certain times in our lives and when we see others that lived those moments with us, we are reminded of who we were, of those moments, places and things that all take us back. They are our link to our past. So, when the relationship ends, it also feels like that ever evolving book of memories was also snatched from us. We need to honor the complicated emotions that come with this and work on acceptance in that we will likely never receive the answer we deserve, but that link to our past is still within us. I would also encourage you to look at what you learned from that relationship. Did you learn what you don’t want? Or did this person help you discover parts of yourself that were otherwise hidden before? Did you learn how to communicate differently in your current relationships or the value in having the hard conversations? Remember, this journey is not about changing others, but learning how to navigate the difficult stuff with grace and compassion…most importantly, for ourselves.